False praise?
I thought this was an excellent article:
When Yelling is Worse than Spanking
Looking back over your own childhood, which hurt worse, any spanking you ever received or words spoken in anger. Were you ever told 'you're stupid' or worse?
Either way, it seems the 'self esteem' issue has received too much attention. For almost an entire generation, the concept of self esteem has been tortured into an ideology so steeped in political correctness as to drive people with common sense mad. Now, however, the pendulum may be swinging back the other way.
An article in Usa today (February 15, 2005) focused on the growing concern of more and more parents, psychologists, and educators who believe the self-esteem message needs to be balanced with a generous dose of reality. USA Today writer Sharon Jayson said no one is discounting the fact that a healthy self-esteem is beneficial to children. But Jayson said more adults are realizing that "empty praise -- the kind showered on many kids years ago in the name of self-esteem --
did more harm than good." Years of such "empty praise," she said, often result in young adults who cannot cope even with constructive criticism, have an inflated sense of self-importance, and have a great sense of personal entitlement -- often without having paid their dues.
Children know when praise is earned and when it is not; they know if they've delivered the goods or not. I believe any praise (or criticism) should be true and relevant to behavior. Else, we appear dishonest in the eyes of our children. And we then teach our children to be glib and false flatterers when they grow up, don't you think?
When Yelling is Worse than Spanking
Looking back over your own childhood, which hurt worse, any spanking you ever received or words spoken in anger. Were you ever told 'you're stupid' or worse?
Either way, it seems the 'self esteem' issue has received too much attention. For almost an entire generation, the concept of self esteem has been tortured into an ideology so steeped in political correctness as to drive people with common sense mad. Now, however, the pendulum may be swinging back the other way.
An article in Usa today (February 15, 2005) focused on the growing concern of more and more parents, psychologists, and educators who believe the self-esteem message needs to be balanced with a generous dose of reality. USA Today writer Sharon Jayson said no one is discounting the fact that a healthy self-esteem is beneficial to children. But Jayson said more adults are realizing that "empty praise -- the kind showered on many kids years ago in the name of self-esteem --
did more harm than good." Years of such "empty praise," she said, often result in young adults who cannot cope even with constructive criticism, have an inflated sense of self-importance, and have a great sense of personal entitlement -- often without having paid their dues.
Children know when praise is earned and when it is not; they know if they've delivered the goods or not. I believe any praise (or criticism) should be true and relevant to behavior. Else, we appear dishonest in the eyes of our children. And we then teach our children to be glib and false flatterers when they grow up, don't you think?
posted by Johnny at
8:38 PM
16 Comments:
I agree Johnny, great post!
Sorry to come off the subject Johnny, but if you put this...
http://family.msn.com/tool/article.aspx?dept=raising&sdept=rks&name=me_033005_yellingvsspanking&signup=true&offer=2>1=6428
into a hyperlink, it will return your page to normal!
GBYAY
By
John, at 12:30 AM
According to the NASE website http://www.self-esteem-nase.org/whatisselfesteem.shtml, this popular view of self-esteem is actually flawed. But it seems to me tt while NASE's explanation sounds gd in theory, in practice, it doesn't seem feasible?
hmm i recently did a sch project on this issue as well, so wld be interested in what u think.. =P
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jun, at 12:53 AM
Thanks John. When I create a post on blogger, it is sometimes 24 hours before I actually see it so I don't know if I have errors until then and others often see them first. It's irritating. lol
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Johnny, at 1:25 AM
Taters, I like this quote from the source you furnished:
In other words, we need to help foster the development of people who have healthy or authentic self-esteem because they trust their own being to be life affirming, constructive, responsible and trustworthy.
With 'authentic' being the operative word. :)
There's a lot to think about here... for what exactly do you wish my opinion?
By
Johnny, at 1:29 AM
Actually not quite sure how to put it either. It's all in a mess, so excuse me. =P
Like hmm.. How to measure the authenticity of self-esteem or how high someone's self-esteem is? Is it okay to promote self-esteem alone when it seems to be multi-dimensional in nature, ie., it is a conglomeration of one's general outlook on life (optimism/pessimism), achievements (thus leading to high self-esteem), social status etc.? Besides, different societies/cultures may not define self-esteem by the same factors as well or view self-esteem as necessary.
And while I agree with NASE's definition too, their approach to boosting self-esteem (kinda feely-good as well) doesn't seem quite sufficient or able to achieve its own goals.
Alternatively, from a Christian point of view, the "trust their own being" type of self-esteem seems to emphasize more on self than on God.
Yep that's abt it.. sorry for the long post!
By
jun, at 12:58 PM
Thanks Henry and thanks for stopping by my blog. :)
By
Johnny, at 7:27 PM
Taters, some difficult questions. I'll do my best.
I don't think we should 'promote' self esteem at the expense of other traits that are desirable. Since I've become a Christian, I tend to measure all things against the scriptures. We are taught that our lives are not our own but should be served, even sacrificed to the Lord. A certain measure of humility, of a sort of 'servitude' needs to be attained, and sometimes 'self esteem' gets in the way of 'God esteem.'
I believe we should treat each other and our children in such a way not to cause mental harm, but in a way to further the cause of Christ. Self sacrifice is sometimes part of that. Whenever possible, I think we should try to make others feel good about themselves, their role in society, the plans for their lives, etc. But, honestly, I don't think anyone can accurately 'measure' self esteem since it is 'feelings' based and only we know how exactly we feel and, even then, we often can't describe the feelings.
All in all, I think balance is the answer. If we do 'unto others' as we wish to be done, I think we'll be pretty good in the self esteem department.
By
Johnny, at 7:34 PM
That was a good article, John. I agree with pretty much everything it said. Personally, I try to raise my sons without spanking OR yelling but with lots of discipline. I'm not perfect and I fall short of the mark, but I try.
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Hopeful, at 8:21 PM
What kind of discipline works? Time outs, depriving of TV, etc? I do not yell at my kids. I have given the rare spanking, but it's been a while.
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Anonymous, at 11:34 PM
YB, makes me wonder why they thought you were so fragile. Wonder how the older kids felt about the different treatment you received? I don't know if spanking would have affected how you handle stress better, but handling problems certainly is one way to learn how to deal with difficulties later in life, and all children need some form of discipline.
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Anonymous, at 6:50 AM
Hmm.. I think you've put it quite well. Thanks..
Guess self-esteem should not be promoted per se, but rather it's just part of a gradual process.
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jun, at 11:09 AM
YB, I can see why you didn't get spanked now. Hard to spank a little gal who sends herself to her room and gets upset just cuz Dad's face got red. You were a pretty good girl, eh?
Thanks Taters...
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Johnny, at 3:27 PM
YB, first about the matches. What did you like about them? The smell? I like the smell of sulphur. :) Or was it the flame itself or was it what the fire could do? Just trying to understand.
Your refusal to talk at school after the second grade, was it done out of fear of more scolding by the teacher or out of revenge because you had been scolded before? ... an 'I'll show you' type of thing?
Humor me. I'm curious. :)
By
Johnny, at 10:09 PM
The strong-willed child... doubt there's any more difficult job in life than to teach and discipline one. For the record, I think you did a fine job. :)
By
Johnny, at 10:11 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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Hopeful, at 5:23 AM
The hardest thing is deciding what one means by "works." I used to think discipline didn't "work" if I ever saw the behavior again, lol. That's a fine standard if the behavior is quite serious, around here it's the back talk, bad attitude, purposely aggravating brothers kind of thing we mostly deal with. In that case, we recognize that we can remove a privilege (or remove the child to his room) but not expect that we will therefore never have more back talk. With my older son, we just try to have natural consequences as in "when you are rude to us, it's unlikely we are going to then hand over the computer, the car, etc." It actually does "work" pretty well, and he's too old to spank, though God knows there are times when I wish we could:) Yelling is definitely the WORST approach with him.
By
Hopeful, at 5:31 AM
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