Learn to be brave...
I don't usually like to 'generalize' about the differences between men and women, but I will go out on a limb and say I find that women put a lot of mental energy into hiding their real feelings. They spend their lives pleasing others or trying to and seeking approval of everyone but themselves.
The problem often is they say 'yes' when they mean 'no' or should mean 'no.' The bottom line is that they just won't let themselves feel angry and say what is really on their minds, because they fear losing the love of others.
There is a 'trick' to speaking your mind, showing your anger. You're not really 'grown up' until you learn it. You have to learn to 'manage' yourself, that is react appropriately to anger. It is not appropriate to seal feelings in until they explode one day, all out of proportion to what caused the anger. This just confuses everyone. Always 'giving in' is not the answer. The 'trick' is setting limits. We need to forget whatever we learned from hard-to-please parents or mistakes of the past. Think 'it's a new day' and act accordingly. If you fight, when you fight, fight 'fair.' It's not fair to bring up the past, present and future with no goal in mind. That's venting which may feel good but usually solves nothing. You need to know why you are angry, know what you want to do about it and have a plan to do so. That's the 'adult' way.
A good place to start is to think of anger as a constructive emotion. If your feelings are hurt, do something about it. Some other things to think about...
How long have you been so angry? Is it really 'this' or is this just the tip of the iceberg? Are you really angry because your husband didn't notice your new dress or are you angry because he hasn't noticed anything you've done in ten years? But could it be that nothing he says is ever enough because you don't know how to be content in your own skin? You need to figure out what the problem really is before you can begin to solve it, right?
After you figure out what's really going on, can you learn to be brave enough to handle it?? Are you too easily intimidated? If so, write down your feelings instead of trying to talk about them face to face, at least while you are beginning to set new limits. Don't blame others and don't make 'blaming' statements. Don't always try to figure out who is 'right' and who is 'wrong?' Does it really matter when life is not like you want it to be? I will admit that I am pretty good at intimidation. I learned quite early in life that some people will back down pretty easily. The trick in dealing with intimidating people is to determine if it's all an 'act' because they have your number or if they really mean the dire things they suggest while trying to control you. It's important to know because you will have to face the consequences of 'confronting' them.
The best way to fix things is to really listen to the other party. Most people just want to be heard as it 'validates' their feelings. Allow your partner to express his/her feelings too. It's better when neither has hidden feelings.. or hidden agendas. Be willing to take responsibility for your part in creating problems but do NOT take all the responsibility.
Finally, after you figure out what is wrong, what you want to change, you need to tell the other person, ‘this is what I need from you now to make things better.’ Until you get brave enough to do that, it just won't get any better. Be prepared to take the consequences. Maybe he really will leave you? If so, maybe you'd be better off. Maybe she will stop loving you. Maybe she didn't love you to begin with? It's tough being brave, but it's awful being a coward. Shaking and shivering in your boots will never make you happy. Step up and step out. You might be surprised at how much it helps. And it's the 'honest' way to live with others.
The problem often is they say 'yes' when they mean 'no' or should mean 'no.' The bottom line is that they just won't let themselves feel angry and say what is really on their minds, because they fear losing the love of others.
There is a 'trick' to speaking your mind, showing your anger. You're not really 'grown up' until you learn it. You have to learn to 'manage' yourself, that is react appropriately to anger. It is not appropriate to seal feelings in until they explode one day, all out of proportion to what caused the anger. This just confuses everyone. Always 'giving in' is not the answer. The 'trick' is setting limits. We need to forget whatever we learned from hard-to-please parents or mistakes of the past. Think 'it's a new day' and act accordingly. If you fight, when you fight, fight 'fair.' It's not fair to bring up the past, present and future with no goal in mind. That's venting which may feel good but usually solves nothing. You need to know why you are angry, know what you want to do about it and have a plan to do so. That's the 'adult' way.
A good place to start is to think of anger as a constructive emotion. If your feelings are hurt, do something about it. Some other things to think about...
How long have you been so angry? Is it really 'this' or is this just the tip of the iceberg? Are you really angry because your husband didn't notice your new dress or are you angry because he hasn't noticed anything you've done in ten years? But could it be that nothing he says is ever enough because you don't know how to be content in your own skin? You need to figure out what the problem really is before you can begin to solve it, right?
After you figure out what's really going on, can you learn to be brave enough to handle it?? Are you too easily intimidated? If so, write down your feelings instead of trying to talk about them face to face, at least while you are beginning to set new limits. Don't blame others and don't make 'blaming' statements. Don't always try to figure out who is 'right' and who is 'wrong?' Does it really matter when life is not like you want it to be? I will admit that I am pretty good at intimidation. I learned quite early in life that some people will back down pretty easily. The trick in dealing with intimidating people is to determine if it's all an 'act' because they have your number or if they really mean the dire things they suggest while trying to control you. It's important to know because you will have to face the consequences of 'confronting' them.
The best way to fix things is to really listen to the other party. Most people just want to be heard as it 'validates' their feelings. Allow your partner to express his/her feelings too. It's better when neither has hidden feelings.. or hidden agendas. Be willing to take responsibility for your part in creating problems but do NOT take all the responsibility.
Finally, after you figure out what is wrong, what you want to change, you need to tell the other person, ‘this is what I need from you now to make things better.’ Until you get brave enough to do that, it just won't get any better. Be prepared to take the consequences. Maybe he really will leave you? If so, maybe you'd be better off. Maybe she will stop loving you. Maybe she didn't love you to begin with? It's tough being brave, but it's awful being a coward. Shaking and shivering in your boots will never make you happy. Step up and step out. You might be surprised at how much it helps. And it's the 'honest' way to live with others.
posted by Johnny at
12:01 PM
23 Comments:
I know. :) It's part of our dance, and I do like dancing with ya.
By
Johnny, at 9:22 PM
Tell me please what do I do? I love my husband dearly but I don't trust him at all. I have caught him lying to me more then once, he apologizes, I forgive and then we move on. Though I may forgive I can't seem to forget that he has lied to me and now I doubt his every word.
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Anonymous, at 11:38 PM
You said: " don't usually like to 'generalize' about the differences between men and women, but I will go out on a limb and say I find that women... "
Yes this is a generalisation.
There are also a lot of strong women who can speak their mind (me being one of them)and without the need to behave like a "child" in doing so.
The secret of my marriage is "seek first to understand and then be understood" - this does not mean being walked all over or to be mistreated in the process
I also know that a lot of men - say nothing - is this generalising?? and women have to end up being mindreaders...
just food for thought thats all
By
Jeannie, at 4:39 AM
I will agree with 'some' but not 'a lot' and it's not a genralization but years of experience counseling men and women in dysfunctional relationships. It is not that common to be as assertive or outspoken as you are, not in my experience.
If men won't say anything, women should not mind read; should tell the men, 'I'm not a mind reader, speak up.'
Bad communication in a marrige is usually a 2-way street.
By
Anonymous, at 10:35 AM
Anon, I cannot tell you what to do on this blog/comments, especially based on so little information. Once trust is gone, it is hard to rebuild but it can be done with a lot of effort and determination and the 'want to.' I assume the lies were over very important matters? If you wish to write me and discuss it, I could either give advice or make a referral. My email: the7jwms@aol.com You need to start with the 'I love my husband dearly' because love involves trust. Without trust, it is doubtful what you have is real love.
By
Anonymous, at 10:40 AM
I guess what I was trying to say Pam was "don't put women in a box". In my dealings with ministry I have worked with a lot of women young and old and I guess here in Australia we are a lot more open and transparent with our feelings. I've come accross a lot of beautiful strong women that have faced hardship, come from dysfunctional families, been abused and I guess like Johnny's friend Iva have come out victorious and able to deal with life through God's help.
Yes there are women who find it hard to be assertive and do bottle up there feelings to the point where they do become angry. Women can speak truthfully and respectfully without resorting to childlike behaviour. Johnny was talking about "fighting fair and doing it in an adult way". I can understand where Johnny was coming from but not all women are like this - was what I was trying to say.
There is so much stuff out there about people trying to help women but not much about people trying to help men. We are all equal in God's eyes, we all need his help - Men not saying anything was just an example of generalising.
My husband is definitely the head of the home and we do have a strong marriage - but that has taken years of hard work, tears, prayer and lots of love - being open with each other.
I agree Charles Bad communication in a marriage is 2 ways - so is good communication and finding the balance. No not everyone can speak up like I can - but don't write us off either because we can.
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Jeannie, at 4:58 PM
Jeannie, why would you think anyone would 'write you off' or write off anyone who is not very assertive? It takes all kinds of people to float all the boats on the pond; some are assertive people and some are not. There is no 'shame' in either. We tend to choose the 'type' of person we want to be around. That's just one of many, many traits to consider. My only theory, really, is that women tend to be less assertive in the grand scheme of things based either on genetics or conditioning/socialization. The ratio has changed considerably in the last 150 years so I tend to think the culture/social setting has a lot to do with it all.
The results of the assertiveness test I had posted previously tends to back my theory up. But it's neither here nor there, is it? There's no stigma attached to either assertiveness or nonassertiveness as far as I know.
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Johnny, at 5:08 PM
Johnny, people do write off women that can speak up for themselves, as Pam pointed out they can be looked at as the one that wears the pants - I know she wasn't saying that about me but it is true. Anyways whats wrong with a hearty discussion - just trying to help people see the other side of the coin...your assertive theory well...larf larf
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Jeannie, at 5:14 PM
Some women do 'wear the pants' in the family. If that's how they both like it, fine I guess although it's not the Christian way. That's not 'writing off' anyone, not sure what 'writing off' someone really means. Disregard what they say or feel? I certainly do not.
Anyway, I can see some ladies aren't going to let facts get in the way of their feelings. lol
By
Johnny, at 6:10 PM
The fact: there are more assertive/aggresssive men in the world than there are assertive/aggressive women for various reasons.
By
Johnny, at 8:02 PM
<<<<< I don't usually like to 'generalize' about the differences between men and women, but I will go out on a limb and say I find that women put a lot of mental energy into hiding their real feelings.>>>
I know I do this, and I do it more and more as I get older. The reason I do it is that feelings lie. I can be so annoyed about something, so angry or hurt, and I find that if I mask that, the feeling often passes. It's ridiculous how changed my "feelings" can be by a good nights sleep, so I have found that lodging complaints or raising a fuss is often a mistake. Feelings can be valid and legitimate, but if they are, they usually continue to rise up and can be addressed tomorrow if they aren't addressed today. And by tomorrow, I might "feel" markedly different about the situation.
By
Hopeful, at 5:49 AM
Pam, I see Jeannie is an Australian. Kiwi' and Aussie women pride themselves, a bit, on their independence and strength. (Not all women tho).
Women are encouraged to be just as successful as men these days, that means they have to assert themselves in order to obtain what it is they think they need.
Traditionally speaking (in NZ) women were subservient to men and the idea of a woman asserting herself just wasn't on the agenda. Perhaps things changed here when women were the first in the world to gain voting rights. Today, men also exceed some women in what could be traditionally described as women's work, but they still maintain their masculinity. I digress a little.
As you know, in your country (pre-European days) Indian tribes had women who did men's work, they were warriors and hunters, some even took on the role of provider and protector over another woman and her family. I think it infers some assertion on the behalf of women. What do you think? It suggests something else too lol.
Also, knowing how to be assertive (in the proper sense) aids to good communication. Some people only relate assertiveness to using aggression and intimidation, both of which can be highly abusive at times, or enjoyable.
I would agree that men are more assertive and aggressive than women, not a thing wrong with it. More commonly, women are relationship builders/ prefer win win situations and are inclined to put other people's needs (and feelings) before their own. Asserting oneself can cause conflict. Conflict may be damaging to a relationship/s or it may promote understanding and healthy boundaries. One can never know which way it will go.
Enculturation has alot to do with who and how women behave in different societies (as John already mentioned conditioning/socialisation) and Christianity has had its part to play in this also.
The bible gives/gave place to women concerning family and church life, but the bible also showed that women were strong (not in a physical sense) some were industrious, others were leaders (confident and self assured?), at times they were dangerous and evil (forceful and pushy), sometimes they were warriors.. spiritually and physically (forward and aggressive), other times nurturing, forbearing, loving, gracious, caring and kind.
Time for me to go to bed! :)
Di
By
Anonymous, at 6:34 AM
An excellent way of handling 'feelings' that may not be 'valid' Dana. Do you handle anger the same way?
By
Johnny, at 6:35 AM
Di, what an excellent post, well written and well thought out. :)
By
Johnny, at 6:45 AM
<<< An excellent way of handling 'feelings' that may not be 'valid' Dana. Do you handle anger the same way? >>>
Sometimes, I guess. Sometimes I can bide my time, other times I am more direct. Occasionally I erupt:) I don't think anger is much different from any other feeling in this regard.
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Hopeful, at 8:54 AM
I don't know, Dana. I find that most people I know handle anger much differently than most of their feelings, since he 'fallout' can be so much more intense.
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Johnny, at 5:43 PM
Being raised by a single mother who tried to be both parents, taught me how to be somewhat assertive. Being married for 17 years to a man who was an absent father and husband taught me to be more assertive. Getting divorced really taught me to be assertive. I was considered a nobody because I was a woman without a credit history, nothing in my name, I had to fight for everyright I got. After having remarried my husband fortunately knew of this trait that had become permanent and though I won't go so far to say I wear the pants, I do make most of the decisions around here. If I didn't we'd probably be living in a cardboard box somewhere. I think more women need to become more assertive, perhaps child abuse would diminish somewhat, domestic violence, all the other secret abuses that woman who are not assertive enough endure to get by. What I do fail at though is being assertive when it comes to seeking the truth, and wondering if I would survive the answer.
By
Anonymous, at 8:06 PM
Hey Di, I enjoyed your comments, well put and extremely balanced...
By
Jeannie, at 4:40 AM
Yeah, you are probably right, John. To be honest, I don't experience much real anger. Normally it's something more like irritation and annoyance, and those feelings, above all others, are best left unexpressed until one has some distance. But that's the key advantage to being a SAHM. I am generally only around people I choose to be around. It's different when one is working and out in the world more.
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Hopeful, at 5:38 AM
Anon, does your current husband like the situation, i.e., that you make most of the decisions, etc? Your situation seems a bit beyond assertive but if it works for you both, so be it. Do you love and respect him?
By
Charles, at 7:52 AM
I needed to hear that and what a lovely compliment, John. Thanks. :)
Di
By
Anonymous, at 9:27 PM
I think my situation seems a bit beyond assertiveness too. But it also works for us. He often says he appreciates that I make sure things get done. My husband doesn't take the initiative to do anything. He goes to work, comes home, eats, watches Tv, goes to bed, and get's up and does it again. Coming from an abused background I have trust issues, when I married him I thought he was pure as the driven snow, he talked, acted, everything pointed to that. After we married I discovered many things he never shared with me. Even though I'm anonymous it is still too personal to write it here. But I discovered things, then he lied about them, even when I caught him doing things, he still lied about them. Stared me in the eyes and lied. He also comes from an abused background but his issues deal with secrecy, it's like he has a secret life, a fantasy life, one he won't share. We keep trying to work things out, but what ever he says, I remember him lying right to my face when I knew what I knew was true. How can you build trust on that? I want to believe him, I want to respect him, I want to love him. But I also want to run away. I'm an expert at sweeping things under the rug. We just go day to day living like friends. We never have sex....we talk about it as if it's some trip we'll take in the future. I have quit wanting it... When I say I'm assertive it's not like I'm bossing everybody around, or dictating what should be done, it's more like, what bill gets paid when, who feeds the dogs, who does the laundry, makes sure the power doesn't get disconnected. I tell him to call his family, his son, his daughter. I'm not a bitch or dictator. But I don't let people push me around either. I'm not afraid to say my foods not cooked right if it isn't when I eat out. I'm not afraid to argue with the phone company if they charge me for something I don't have. I don't take crap from people. But I'm not confrontational either. Even though I have trust issues I keep trusting people, I keep trying too, but with my husband it's like I can't even tell when he's lying. He's so good at it. I don't even know if I'm making sense. But it is interesting to see what I have written here, as I could never post this on my blog.
By
Anonymous, at 11:08 PM
Dear Anon.,
Seems you both are good at keeping secrets. You have a blog you haven't shared with us. :)
I don't want to say there is no hope for your marriage, but I feel it's close to that since neither of you really share your feelings, or even your bed. I cannot help him; he's not here. I can ask you why you have settled for two rather loveless/trustless marriages? Have you tried to deal with your past and how it has affected you with therapy or do you just hope things will get better some day or what? I would like to see you have some happiness, real happiness in your life. Are you able to let go with anyone or do you feel safe only when in control? You said you would like to leave. Why haven't you?
By
Johnny, at 3:59 PM
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