Why have children?

Why did you have a child (or more)? If it was so the child would 'do something' for you, that might be the wrong reason. :)

Some children are loving accidents. A couple play around; she gets pregnant; he does the 'right thing' and they are parents. Now what? Many are planned, desired, wanted beyond measure but, when they get here, they are like little aliens. What to do with them?

Some 'facts' about children...

They will hurt you. Yes, they will. They will take everything you have to offer and give you only tiny drinks of what you desire. In time, they become more and more like, and, admit it, that's frightening. They will become guarded, and they won't love you as much as they did at age three. Then, eventually, they will leave you and seek love in distant places.

When they leave you, you will be forever changed. You will be deeper, richer, more capable, more able to love, because you had them. No university can teach you what one small child can, not in a hundred years, and the child does it in less than twenty.

Knowing all that, I love the feel of thin little arms around my neck giving a hug, arms holding onto my leg, hands tugging at my shirt or even my wallet, eyes fixed on me with something undefined in them, questions abounding. Come to think of it, becoming more like us? That's not really so bad, is it?

Resentment Shack

In my practice, the most difficult personality 'trait' for me to deal with is resentment. Many of my patients live in what I call the 'resentment shack,' a shack, not a home. Resentment leaves no room for niceties.

Resentful people seem to require or expect a lot from others but expect little from themselves. They poison themselves but blame it on others. Someone famous once said that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die, not realizing the poison within. A rattlesnake will become so angry that it will bite itself. That's what resentment does to people, turns on them, harming them more than the ones they resent.

How does resentment begin and take hold? Usually, it is harboring of animosity against a person or group who mistreated you. It could be unresolved anger over a negative event which occurred in your past life leading to lack of forgiveness and the inability to let go and forget. Pain in the past may have created a root of distrust and suspicion. One may feel he was unjustly victimized. Maybe he was and never could let go, never could forgive.

The fact is, many are hurt by others, one way or another, through life. There are people who crap and step over you, who ignore you or even abandon you, who don't listen to what you have to say, who undervalue you. But if you play the blame game, never get over it, never let go, never forgive, you end up the loser. First a victim, then a loser. Most victims don't become losers. They deal with it all.

Anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, depression – these feelings are signals that you are not in truth, that you are allowing your ego to have dominion over your soul. When you open your heart to learning the truth and learning what is loving to yourself and others, you will move out of the negative feelings and into the peace and joy that come from being in truth, even in the face of sadness and grief.

How does a Christian deal with resentment and what happens if it isn't dealt with? Is it different for nonChristians?

Who's life is it anyway?

My wife may be with child (notice how I act like I had nothing to do with that :) but it's a bit too early to know for sure. It's not to early, it seems, to discuss nurseries, baby clothes, mama clothers and strollers. Yes, strollers. It seems you can get a decent, do-the-job stroller from Wal-Mart for about $60 but the top-of-the-line or state-of-the-art strollers for fashion-conscious mothers can cost upwards of $500. Wow! That's cruising in style.

I do not want to deprive my wife of any new mother feeling or experience, but I find it rediculous to spend hundreds for a stroller. Seems wiser to me to bank the extra $400 or so and give it to the child later. Obviously Junior or Junette will not know what kind of stroller it's riding in, so does it really matter what the neighbors or Jones' think? Apparently so, to many people.

Parenting has changed a lot. When we were an industrial society, people had kids to love, help run the farm and take care of them when they got old. The kids had love and a roof over their heads. It worked. If you count on your kids to take care of you when you're old now, you may be in for a big shock. And while you love them, they may not love you back, at least for long. By age seven, they seem to throw you over for the school teacher's aide someone else much more in the know that you. If you don't gift them with the lates video games, sneakers, jeans, ipods, cell phones, etc. you are simply abusive.

But the fault is not all with the kids either. Parents seem to live vicariously through their children. I watched the annual 'word power' show today on NBC (with Al Roker as MC). A little oriental girl named Ming-Ming won top prize, $25,000. The mother of the child came up at the end of the show. I cannot describe how she acted. It was more than just pride. It was so 'look what I raised' that it amazed me. The kid was the coolest, by this I mean nerveless, anxietyless, kid I ever saw. I believe she has been groomed to win all her life. Do these kids ever get to just play?

Maybe I am a failure as a father. I think piano and soccer are enough weekly lessons besides school and Sunday School. I haven't tried to be sure they get into Harvard as they are just 5 and 6 years old now. It won't be the end of the world if they go to the University of Iowa (great football), will it? I see nothing wrong with K-Mart sneakers and Target jeans. It will be many a year before they get cell phones. Ipods, maybe. Video games, probably not for kids don't really like the nonviolent ones, do they? DVD's and such are reviewed for content by me so what's the fun in those?

So how do you feel about status seeking or do you consider it that these days? Am I just an old bear?

What was Jesus really like?

A well-known Christian author said that men Prefer a 'Leader' Jesus Over a 'Warm, Fuzzy' One. He further said that men are leaving the Church in increasing numbers, and it's a problem the Church needs to solve.

If one searches the scriptures, he'll find that the Lord is knowable and has certain 'traits. For instance, God (Jesus is also God) exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth according to Jeremiah 9:23-24 God is approachable, and he's near by. See Psalms 145:18 Of course, we know he is creative! That's how WE got here, among other things. He's forgiving and honest and trustworthy. He keeps his promises. There is so much more to know about him.

But back to the question of men wanting a 'leader' over a 'warm fuzzy Jesus.' How do you see Jesus? Do you see him as a super sensitive man, a party goer, a ladies man, a 'wimp?' I've read articles that said all those things about him. Rarely, do people talk about his leadership abilities. Yet, he gathered twelve men about him and changed the world forever. I think that's pretty good leadership!

Do you prefer the 'tough' Jesus who whipped up the crowd while cleansing the temple, the Jesus who stoically endured the many lashes before the cross, or the 'warm fuzzy Jesus' who 'wept?' Do you think Jesus has been misrepresented in most literature, movies, etc? When you close your eyes, do you see the Jesus with blue eyes and light brown hair with caucasion features and soft hands as in depictions popular 60 years ago or do you see him as he probably was, short, darkish skin, muscular from tent making and carpentry, with nappy hair? Does it matter how we 'see' him in our minds?

What would you say to the men who are leaving churches in large numbers?

Who believes in you?

There is a good discussion going on over at Charles' blog about what it is that husbands and wives need from each other. I can think of several important things, but the most important to me is affirmation. I am appreciated by many, I think, but my wife believes in me. I can't tell you what that means, how much that means, to me.

The distinction between appreciation and affirmation is that appreciation is for what you 'do.' It can come and go depending on what you have done lately. Affirmation is much deeper and goes to what the person 'is,' and it is directed to the person himself/herself.

Encouragement can include both appreciation and affirmation, but affirmation is rarer, isn't it? We all need someone to believe in us.

I hope you have someone who believes in you.

Precious time...

I'm in an introspective mood so bear with me. If all goes well, I'm about half way home. 40 years of time behind me and, based upon life expectancy in the USA, perhaps that much ahead. What should we do with all that time? Is time just directionless and vacant, waiting to be filled spontaneously or is some planning required? Can one have meaninful activities and personal accomplishments without planning? Is it important to have those things or is it OK just to fill time without thinking ahead? I wonder if I could look back with as much pleasure if none of it had been planned (and, of course, not all of it was).

This is one of the bible verses having to do with time..

Ecc. 3:1 "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.'

Do you think there is an appointed time for everything by God?

I do know that there is nothing in this world perpetual. What you do not experience today, you may experience tomorrow or you never experience it.

Perhaps God, understanding the inability of men to attain, by philosophic inquiry, to a full comprehension of his works and ways, has wisely set the world in their heart; that is, has occupied them to a large extent with its cares and labors, as a discipline that is good in its place. Their wisdom and happiness lie, then, not in vain endeavors to comprehend what is incomprehensible, but rather in submitting themselves in faith and patience and planning to the appointments of their
heavenly Father.

I suspect it is never out of season to accept God's gifts joyfully and use them wisely and do good with them for self and others.

Then, is it a sin to 'waste' time? Precious time? Or can time be wasted?

Do not fear, Christian. You are not alone...

God knows where you are. Yes, he does. He knows where you are, who you are, what you are doing and what you are not doing. That's rather daunting, isn't it? Sometimes, we'd like to be anonymous, especially when we're not doing. Or not doing 'right.'

How often are you afflicted with those feelings of being forsaken, of being alone? Too often? Instead of throwing the 'pity party,' go back to God's word. As he says in Isaiah 41:10: 'Do not fear, for I am with you.' I don't know about you, but I find that so comforting.

God talks to me that way. No one else hears the voice, but I do. The first time I heard it, his voice, made me jump up out of my seat, walk to the front of the church (the first church I ever attended) and give my life to him. He had said to me in my mind/head/whatever 'I am yours and you are mine.' I believed him. Why else would he have said it? I didn't ask. Didn't know I could ask at the time.

I was not a poor boy, unloved and neglected. I was a doted-upon only child. Yet... No one had ever said to me 'I am yours.' I knew I could depend on my parents of course, but I never felt I 'owned' them or could even rely on them if I wasn't a 'good boy.' God didn't say to me, 'John, I am yours when you're a good boy.' Nope, just 'I am yours and you are mine' Praise his name forever, it changed my life in ways I never could have imagined.

Based on that, I turned my life completely around and I'm still reeling from it. :) I have occasional moments of lonliness or doubt, we all do I guess. The lowest point in my life, I believe, was when Maria was dying, and I didn't know if my son would live. Even then, God talked to me. When Maria died, I ran like a crazy man.. from the hospital where my son was clinging to life, to the funeral home to be with Maria, to the chapel to yell at God, back to the baby and so it went for weeks. Yet, I never lost that sense that he was with me. 'Fear not, for I am with you.'

When you are feeling insignificant, alone, lonely, forgotten, misunderstood, rejected, forgotten, out of sorts, full of self pity, forgotten, judged, hurting and forgotten, remember that you are not alone. The Christian is never alone, never forgotten.

John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. "

And don't forget, if you're my friend, you're never forgotten by me either. :)

No one said it is easy...

Maybe you are in the middle of a big decision, a time when you have searched your soul for a way out of actually following God's plan for your life. It may be down to your will vs. His will. Perhaps you don't want to give up certain things you enjoy, someone you care too much for and shouldn't or some other 'right' or 'privilege' you enjoy. Think carefully before you thwart the will of the Living God. Letting Him have his way can be a very uncomfortable thing, but if He truly is Lord of your life, you can do nothing else. There are many kinds of sins, including the sin of wanting your 'own way.'

Psalm 143:10 "Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness."

Taking on Goliath

Most of us have heard of the story of David and Goliath. Goliath was a soldier in the Philestine army, a man who was anywhere from 6 1/2 feet to 9 1/2 feet tall, depending on the bible source, a 'giant' in those days when the average man stood about 5 foot 2 inches tall. Goliath would taunt King Saul's Army daily, walking over the cliffs, yelling at the troops below. 'Kill me,' he said, 'and the Philestines will serve you.' 'If I kill you, you will serve the Philestines. Is there none among you brave enough?'

David was brave enough. Although too young to join the army, he convinced King Saul to let him try to kill the giant. Saul didn't have much to lose. If it worked, the giant would be gone. If it didn't, he could always say that David 'was just a kid.'

As the story goes, David used a sling and tossed a stone that hit the giant in the middle of the forehead, not bouncing off but denting, boring in and felling the giant. David then finished him off with the giant's own sword. The people adored David thereafter, and he eventually became King, no accident since he was 'preordained' by God to be king, making way for his son Solomon, etc.

Do you have a Goliath in your life, a giant of a problem that won't go away. What can you learn from David's experiences?

First, you need to know the true nature of the battle. David knew what he was facing. It was not just a physical battle but a 'spiritual' one for the giant had demoralized Saul's army with his taunts, demeaning the King and his God.

Next, you have to be prepared for the battle. David had many experiences killing bears and lions, protecting the flocks when he was shepherd of the family. He had gained confidence. He had memories of many victories behind him.

He knew where his strength came from and gave credit to his God, in word and in song, songs that live on to this day.

David was 'chosen.' Saul chose David but, ultimately, God had chosen David. The wrong person can't do the right job. Make sure you're the right person before tackling the goliath that torments you. If you're not, find the right person for the job. There's no shame in asking for help.

Also, David didn't listen to the 'naysayers,' those who thought he was too young, too weak, etc. He knew himself and his abilities and his God. He didn't let others 'get him down' and make him weak when strength was needed.

Lastly, there is no 'goliath' that can't be destroyed if God is with you. Have a great week!