Lying lips, loose tongues..

This is just some of my thinking tonight on lies and liars who tell them. Who lies? We all do at one time or another, don't we, be it the wicked lie, the 'altruistic lie,' the 'spin,' the artful deception, or just plain cheating. If in no other way, we lie by omission. 1 John 2:4 says 'He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.' Who has kept all His commandments? Most of us don't even know all his commandments.

Probably where most lies are told are in relationships, especially in the beginning of a romantic relationship

From 'Who's Cheating Who' - Alan Jackson

Everywhere you look
You can write a book
On the trouble with a woman and a man
But you can not impose
You cant stick your nose
Into somethin that ya dont understand

Chorus
But still you wonder
Who's cheatin who
Whos bein true
And who dont even care anymore
It makes you wonder
Whos doin right with someone tonight
And whose car is parked next door

I thought I knew her well
I really couldnt tell
That she had another lover on her mind
You see, It felt so right
When she held me tight
How could I be so blind

A heart is on the line
Each and every time
Love is stolen in the shadows of the night
Though its wrong all along
It keeps goin on
As long as they keep it out of sight

Men will wear foot 'lifts' to look taller, spray on stuff to make it look as if they have more hair; women wear face 'enhancing' makeup, high heels, padded bras, all in the hopes of attracting him. :) Those are what I call the 'artful' lies. There is some scientific evidence that supports some forms of lying as socially 'inbred' and socially acceptable.

In Peterson’s Australian study, Deception in intimate relationships, it was found that couples closely involved tell predominantly insignificant lies to one another. It was also found that subjects, who reported telling such lies, did so as a means of conflict avoidance. Also, in DePaulo and Kashy’s study, Everyday lies in close and casual relationships, it is noted that we tell fewer lies to those we find closest to us and of those lies that are told, the majority of them are altruistic in nature rather than self-serving. Not only were fewer lies told, but subjects also felt more uncomfortable about the prospect of telling untruths to those with whom subjects were more intimate. In conclusion, in our relationships, we are more likely to tell altruistic, “white lies” to those closest to us rather than blatant lies with increased discomfort in the process, generally in an attempt to maintain satisfaction and harmony in the relationship.

Is a deception to hide the truth of our appearance a 'real' lie. Samuel Johnson said .. "A man would rather have a hundred lies told of him than one truth which he does not wish should be known." If it's painful to be seen as short or unattractive, is it a lie to try to hide it?

Some interesting studies have been done about lying, the frequency of lying, who lies, etc.

One good example was a study conducted in 2002 by psychologist Robert S. Feldman of the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. Feldman secretly videotaped students who were asked to talk with a stranger. He later had the students analyze their tapes and tally the number of lies they had told. A whopping 60 percent admitted to lying at least once during 10 minutes of conversation, and the group averaged 2.9 untruths in that time period. The transgressions ranged from intentional exaggeration to flat-out fibs. Interestingly, men and women lied with equal frequency; however, Feldman found that women were more likely to lie to make the stranger feel good, whereas men lied most often to make themselves look better. (why am I not surprised? :)

In another study a decade earlier by David Knox and Caroline Schacht, both now at East Carolina University, 92 percent of college students confessed that they had lied to a current or previous sexual partner, which left the husband-and-wife research team wondering whether the remaining 8 percent were lying. And whereas it has long been known that men are prone to lie about the number of their sexual conquests, recent research shows that women tend to underrepresent their degree of sexual experience. When asked to fill out questionnaires on personal sexual behavior and attitudes, women wired to a dummy polygraph machine reported having had twice as many lovers as those who were not, showing that the women who were not wired were less honest. It's all too ironic that the investigators had to deceive subjects to get them to tell the truth about their lies. To me, this is a frightening study since young people go out to find a mate or 'hook up' and one would hope not to be lied to, eh?

"You don't tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive." --Margaret Thatcher.

Why do we do it, why do we lie? Because it works.

As humans, we must fit into a close-knit social system to succeed, yet our primary aim is still to look out for ourselves above all others. Lying helps. And lying to ourselves helps us accept our fraudulent behavior.

Not only humans 'lie' to get ahead. The mirror orchid, for example, displays beautiful blue blossoms that are dead ringers for female wasps. The flower also manufactures a chemical cocktail that simulates the pheromones released by females to attract mates. These visual and olfactory cues keep hapless male wasps on the flower long enough to ensure that a hefty load of pollen is clinging to their bodies by the time they fly off to try their luck with another orchid in disguise.

The best deceivers continue to reap advantages denied to their more honest or less competent peers. Lying helps us facilitate social interactions, manipulate others and make friends.

The biggest lies ever told are those told to the self, unknowingly. Self-deception took root in the human mind as a tool for social manipulation. Self-deception helps us ensnare other people more effectively. It enables us to lie sincerely, to lie without knowing that we are lying. There is no longer any need to put on an act, to pretend that we are telling the truth. Indeed, a self-deceived person is actually telling the truth to the best of his or her knowledge, and believing one's own story makes it all the more persuasive.

Here are some of the greatest lies ever told.. have you told any of them?

Some of the biggest lies ever told...

The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
..but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes
I've never done anything like this before
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
It's supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new (hat/haircut/dress/suit...)!
..then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

Some final words, not mine, to consider...


"The important thing is to stop lying to yourself. A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself as well as for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love and, in order to divert himself, having no love in him he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest forms of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal, in satisfying his vices. And it all comes from lying- lying to others and to yourself." --Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov.

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." - Aldous Huxley.

"The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else." --Author: George Bernard Shaw

Ephesians 4:25 "Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another."

Changing your 'want to'

At a luncheon after a ministerial association meeting, my associates and I were having lunch and discussing the difficulties of living the Christian life, especially in an America that is turning anti-Christian. 'Can anyone really live a good Christian life,' one pastor asked? 'Absolutely,' I answered.

It may be difficult, at times, to be a good Christian, but it is not complicated, not at all. It is a matter of will, choice. You either serve God or you serve satan, and it's your choice.

Luke 16:13 "No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other...."

Not only is it your choice, it is your fault if you fail. It's not God's fault. He has given us all we need to succeed .. grace, love, His Word, the Holy Spirit and more.

The culprit, when we fail, is sin that we choose to do.... Simple. Sin. Catholic tradition identifies seven particularly troublesome classes of sins (the "seven deadly sins"): They are pride, covetousness, lust, envy, gluttony, anger, and sloth. While no one is safe from any of these, those that pose the greatest challenge to the disciplined Christian life are almost certainly pride and sloth, according to most preachers.. I think the two worst culprits are lustful thoughts aand difficult people, getting down to the nitty gritty. Here's an interesting take on 'sloth,' however.

Sloth is insidious. It whispers that you might as well do it tomorrow, that nobody will know if you cut corners here and there to save yourself some trouble, that the world will be the same in a hundred years no matter what you do, so why do anything? Sloth says, ‘Don’t strain yourself,’ ‘What’s the big hurry?’ and ‘Just give me five more minutes.’

Sloth hits the snooze alarm, hits the remote control and hits the road when the going gets tough . . . Sloth cheats on exams, drinks straight from the milk carton and leaves exactly two sheets on the toilet roll so that it will have to be replaced by the next poor soul who finds out too late that the remaining paper is nothing more than a mirage. -- Joseph Stowell, Today in the Word, July 1996, p. 2

Make no mistake about it, people like to sin, and they choose sin regularly over good living. Why is that? .. Human nature or as some call it, the 'sin nature.' It's also human nature to scratch an itch but people with self control do it in private, eh? It's human nature to pick the nose but, as Melina would say, 'ewwwww.' Socialized, self controlled people don't do it, at least not in public. Human nature can be thwarted when not in our best interests. Again, it's not complicated. Simple choosing. If not, why have a system of laws, checks and balances. We know we can be good when we want to. It's the 'want' or maybe better said the 'I don't want to" that's the problem.

How can we change our 'want to?' Sometimes we make things more complicated than they need be.

"Why do Baptists not have sex standing up? Because it might lead to dancing." Fortunately, this is a joke. However sometimes Christians actually have gotten carried away with rules. Rules of behavior have turned into an end in themselves.

Back to changing the 'want to.' Try a little self control. The Christian life doesn't happen by accident. It requires planning and a consistent approach. We must, although we find it difficult, face our faults and our weaknesses and plan accordingly. If you know that staying up surfing the net makes you too tired to do a good job the next morning, it's simple, don't do it. Self discipline is necessary for most successful living, including being a 'good' Christian.

There are a number of different approaches to discipline. Most of them are based on regular scheduling. Christians generally should set aside specific times each day for prayer and study, both individually and as a family. If you don't, your 'want to' will suffer. These times should include prayer. They should normally include some kind of study or opportunity for growth.

And Christians need to associate with each other, for there IS strength in numbers, and the Lord said He would be with us where two or more gathered in His name. Yes, I'm talking about church. Those who say they don't need to be in 'church' (where two or more are gathered in His name) are foolish and lying to themselves and others. You do need to be there, to worship and to be guided, fed, led and encouraged. You don't get all those things gazing at the stars in a forest.. or as Wesley asked, in a zoo. :) You need to be with other Christians and worship the Lord, not the stars, the universe, rocks or flowers or grass. The Bible gives good examples of worship which are studying together, singing together, praying together, etc. Notice the 'together.'

Finally, Christians are to be committed to serving others. Jesus indicated that the primary way of judging someone's spiritual state was by looking at what they did for Him and for others. And I can assure you, if you're busy serving others, being a responsible person, taking care of business and obligations, praying, having devotions, studying, you will find it much easier to control your 'want to,' that is, if you really want to.

I Was Afraid You’d Tell Me Not To Do It

A school teacher lost her life savings in a business scheme that had been elaborately explained by a swindler. When her investment disappeared and her dream was shattered, she went to the Better Business Bureau. “Why on earth didn’t you come to us first?” the official asked. “Didn’t you know about the Better Business Bureau?” “Oh, yes,” said the lady sadly. “I’ve always known about you. But I didn’t come because I was afraid you’d tell me not to do it.”

The silliness and dangerousness of human nature are that even though we know where the answers lie .. in God’s Word .. we don’t turn there for fear of what it will say. That's the same reason we don't change our 'want to,' we're afraid to for we won't have the fun of sin, eh?

Victory over addiction..

I have not used this aid but find the article most interesting and might consider it for some patients/clients.

Firm Launches Hi-Tech Aid for Addiction, Behavioral Problems

By Jody Brown
May 20, 2005

(AgapePress) - Jjay* was headed to mete out revenge for the murder of his friend. Then his cell phone beeped. Of all people, it was his mother, telling him how proud she was that he was trying to get his life back on track. Instead of seeking revenge, the parolee with a long history of gang violence sought out professional help to work through his anger.

Sound improbable? Not according to the Utah-based high-tech firm developing VictorySeeker™, a new technology designed to provide daily support -- via cell phones -- for people who are trying to make long-term changes in their lives. "It's a huge boost to someone trying to overcome patterns of self-destructive behavior," says Bruce Bennett, president of STAR (Synthesis Technology Assessment Research).

It's a simple concept that uses advanced technology to overcome age-old weaknesses. How does it work? Those seeking to prevail over those weaknesses through VictorySeeker set a long-term goal with daily tasks and then identify times during the day when they believe help is most needed -- such as when they're alone. The participants agree to carry a cell phone, knowing full well they are expected to answer when the calls come.

VictorySeeker then calls at those critical times, asking questions about progress toward the goal since the last call and gathering data for analysis by professional caregivers. Participants answer questions by pressing a number on the phone's keypad. Using advanced technology, VictorySeeker places the answer in the context of previous answers, determines the participant's direction toward the goal, and then plays an appropriate message recorded earlier by family and friends.

In Jjay's case, the pre-recorded message from his mother did the trick.

Counselors See Benefits
STAR's Bennett says numerous counselors are now using VictorySeeker to help people overcome addictions to such things as drugs, pornography, and overeating; to deal with behavioral issues such as anger and violence; or simply to establish a positive lifestyle.

One of those counselors is Robert Heaton, who works with pornography addicts. According to Heaton, one of his clients found that VictorySeeker provides him with "a great deal of motivation to excel" and that it helps him maintain the "positive routine" that he desires.

The counselor says he sees tremendous benefit to both client and caregiver. "VictorySeeker helps people heal faster and cuts therapy time," Heaton says.

One of the ways VictorySeeker assists counselors is by providing a track record of responses from users like Jjay. Counselors can easily access confidential reports online, view their clients' progress, and even listen to voice messages left by their clients. That information, says Bennett, helps to identify behavior patterns and can even alert the counselor if there is a good chance for relapse.

In addition, personal accountability plays a major role in the effectiveness of VictorySeeker. Says one counselor: "Just consistent, daily calls to remind my ... clients of the things they need to do ... can be very helpful to sustain emotional and physical health." And one participant says the program "...helps me to stop each day and ask myself ... what I have actually done today to reach the goals I know I want to achieve."

"It's very exciting to see VictorySeeker make a difference for people [who are] trying to make their lives better," the STAR president says. STAR applied for a patent on VictorySeeker in September 2004.

I do too have a sense of humor...

This post is for 15 year old Robert who reads my blog. He's in my Sunday School class. He thinks I'm way too serious on my blog and have no appreciable sense of humor.. his word appreciable.

A good preacher can always get God into the story somehow...

The story is told of the atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?"

The preacher has no time to reply.

"Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!"

The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! Its all pie in the sky when you die. When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing". He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

***

Senator Joe Lieberman told this story... There was a preacher who was in the middle of an intense, rousing, heart-piercing sermon, when in the middle of the room a gentleman gets up and starts walking toward the back door. “Excuse me, sir,” said the preacher, “but why are you leaving?” “I need to get a haircut,” was the reply. “You need to get a haircut?” said the preacher. “Well why didn't you leave at the beginning of the sermon?” “I didn't need one then,” he said.

**

The Devil's Beatitudes

Blessed are those who are too tired, busy or disorganized to meet with fellow Christians on Sundays each week. They are my best workers.

Blessed are those who enjoy noticing the mannerisms of clergy (ministers, pastors, deacons) and the choir. Their hearts are not in it. (get it? :)

Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked. I can use them.

Blessed are the touchy. With a bit of luck they may even stop going to church. They are my missionaries.

Blessed are those who claim to know God at the same time as hating other people. They are mine forever.

Blessed are the troublemakers. They shall be called my children.

Blessed are those who have not time to pray. They are prey to me.

Blessed are you when you read this and think it is about other people and not about yourself. Gotcha!


No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. lol

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. lol There go the wiccans and don't knows.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

**

God gave us noses, to keep us humble,
not to stick in the air, or poke into trouble;
Placed over the mouth to drip and run,
to remind us we're nothin, and He's #1!

Negotiator or Intimidator?

Do you think the American Army cannot be beaten, that we cannot lose a war, even the war on terror? I hate to break the bad news, but any army can be beaten. Why? Because of 'chance' and/or 'providence.' Just as our 'shock and awe' did not finalize things in Iraq, you cannot know in advance so many important things, things such as strategy, trickery, luck, unexpected surprises. For instance, 3/4ths of our debt is owned by China. What happens when they call in their markers? Can we finance a war if we are broke, and would we go to war with China over that, knowing they have millions of bodies to throw at us as they did in Korea, and they got nukes too, you know, to which can be added the nukes of their buddy, N. Korea. God help us all when we go out playing war as though we are invincible. We are not invincible and never shall be. Even if we had the perfect 'Star Wars' protective system, it could be destroyed from within if the right people were lured by our enemies.

This is one of the reasons I do not approve of Bolton for U.N. ambassador. We need a man who can negotiate, not intimidate. Intimidation has it's place, but the U. N. is not it. I still believe war should be the last resort, and I do not agree that Iraq was at the last resort stage although I support our troops and a war already enjoined. We need someone to tread the wicked waters so that we do not have to go to war. We didn't have to go to war in Iraq, that was a war of choice. Someday, we might not have a choice and a good man (or woman) at the U. N. just might hold that event at bay.

One can think of many so-called 'invincible' armies... Napoleon's, Roman before the 'fall,' Hitler's, the Spanish armada, many more, and let's not forget the Battle of Jericho. :) I would rather look to an invincible peace process myself, and I, like so many of you, have children I don't want to be fodder for future war machines.

That unreasonable fear...

"What are fears but voices airy?
Whispering harm where harm is not.
And deluding the unwary
Till the fatal bolt is shot!"
---- Wordsworth

We all have fear(s) from time to time, completely normal. What is not normal is 'unreasonable' fear. As in the above quote, 'whispering harm where harm is not.'

In my practice, I would estimate that we deal with fear of some kind in 90% of the sessions, maybe more. A man fears competition, fears losing his job. A woman fears her husband is cheating on her, will leave her. Another fears getting fat so much that she is destroying her health by binging/purging. Let's see.. what else. Fear of public speaking, of step children, of in laws, of storms, spiders, rats, bugs and other critters, of the law, of IRS, of alcohol, of drugs; fear of bodily harm from a boyfriend, a parent, a spouse, a stranger; fear of doomsday scenarios, i.e., asteroids, floods, tornados, hurricanes, tsunamis, viruses, cloned monsters, genetic engineering gone amuk; fear of hell, other Christians, Muslims, satanism, demons, powers that be, witches, warlocks; fear of spells, curses, jinxes, bad karma, fate, zombies, werewolves, vampires and other creatures of the night. I kid you not. I have discussed all these with my patients (and some of my friends) and more.

So, the first thing is to separate the reasonable fear from the unreasonable fear. Let's take Caro's fear while I was gone this past weekend. Now I admit I enjoy being missed for I take my role as protector very seriously, and I just like to know she's thinking of me when I'm gone. Still, a small part of her fear was unreasonable. While there certainly is crime in Boulder, CO, really not much more than in Des Moines, IA and she doesn't get panicky when I go to work. And, frankly, I've never heard of a minister getting killed at a gospel concert, but it could have happened. :) If I were the Elmer Gantry type and visited 'night spots' after hours, I guess I could have been mugged and killed. I'm not the type. I was no more likely to have a driving accident than usual. In effect, she shouldn't have worried much more while I was in Boulder than she does when I'm home. As she said, it might have been that she was worried that something would happen to me and she would not be there.. a whole 'nother' problem, eh? Separation anxiety which is not unreasonable fear at all, but for another post. It does make me think of this quote by Bardot: "Solitude scares me. It makes me think about love, death, and war. I need distraction from anxious, black thoughts." Perhaps Caro doesn't have enough distractions when Johnny is gone. :)

What does unreasonable fear, especially carried as a load never laid down, do to one?

If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all his thinking, damages his personality, makes him landlord to a ghost. -- Lloyd Cassel Douglas

Exactly, a ghost of the self. One cannot be open, free, joyous when fearful 24/7. Just can't be done. Fear, along with some other intense emotions, takes up all expendable energy. Unchecked, it wreaks havoc on the body.. blood pressure, sleep habits, and more. Over time, it breaks the body down literally. One cannot be on a fear/adrenaline high 24/7 and be healthy. We must come down to rest. Very fearful people don't rest well either.


"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake."
---- Edgar Wallace - The Clue of the Twisted Candle (1916)

"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is."
---- German Proverb

So what do we do about unreasonable fear? You look it in the face. You declare to 'it' and to yourself that it will not control your life. You change your patterns if you can, seek professional help if you cannot. Your life depends upon it. Prayer is very good. Support from others who have 'beat' the monkey is good too.

"What do you fear, Lady?"
"A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire." ~Aragorn & Eowyn

It is a jungle out there, but we do not have to live in a cage. No, there is a way out. All you have to do is whittle away at it. If you have faith, you're ahead of the game for you can ask God for help.

2Tim 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

Don't worry; be happy...

Remember the tune, 'Don't Worry, be Happy?' I really like that song. That's also my 'philosophy' in life. Apparently it is a good philosophy if you want to keep your wits about you in old age.

Pessimistic, anxious and depressed people may have a higher risk of dementia, U.S. researchers reported on Thursday. A study of a group of 3,500 people showed that those who scored high for pessimism on a standardized personality test had a 30 percent increased risk of developing dementia 30 to 40 years later.

Those scoring very high on both anxiety and pessimism scales had a 40 percent higher risk, the study showed.

So, try to look for the silver lining. :) Better yet, trust in the Lord. True Christians can't stay in the pits for long for this is the day that the Lord has made, and we should rejoice in it!

Learn to be brave...

I don't usually like to 'generalize' about the differences between men and women, but I will go out on a limb and say I find that women put a lot of mental energy into hiding their real feelings. They spend their lives pleasing others or trying to and seeking approval of everyone but themselves.

The problem often is they say 'yes' when they mean 'no' or should mean 'no.' The bottom line is that they just won't let themselves feel angry and say what is really on their minds, because they fear losing the love of others.


There is a 'trick' to speaking your mind, showing your anger. You're not really 'grown up' until you learn it. You have to learn to 'manage' yourself, that is react appropriately to anger. It is not appropriate to seal feelings in until they explode one day, all out of proportion to what caused the anger. This just confuses everyone. Always 'giving in' is not the answer. The 'trick' is setting limits. We need to forget whatever we learned from hard-to-please parents or mistakes of the past. Think 'it's a new day' and act accordingly. If you fight, when you fight, fight 'fair.' It's not fair to bring up the past, present and future with no goal in mind. That's venting which may feel good but usually solves nothing. You need to know why you are angry, know what you want to do about it and have a plan to do so. That's the 'adult' way.

A good place to start is to think of anger as a constructive emotion. If your feelings are hurt, do something about it. Some other things to think about...

How long have you been so angry? Is it really 'this' or is this just the tip of the iceberg? Are you really angry because your husband didn't notice your new dress or are you angry because he hasn't noticed anything you've done in ten years? But could it be that nothing he says is ever enough because you don't know how to be content in your own skin? You need to figure out what the problem really is before you can begin to solve it, right?

After you figure out what's really going on, can you learn to be brave enough to handle it?? Are you too easily intimidated? If so, write down your feelings instead of trying to talk about them face to face, at least while you are beginning to set new limits. Don't blame others and don't make 'blaming' statements. Don't always try to figure out who is 'right' and who is 'wrong?' Does it really matter when life is not like you want it to be? I will admit that I am pretty good at intimidation. I learned quite early in life that some people will back down pretty easily. The trick in dealing with intimidating people is to determine if it's all an 'act' because they have your number or if they really mean the dire things they suggest while trying to control you. It's important to know because you will have to face the consequences of 'confronting' them.

The best way to fix things is to really listen to the other party. Most people just want to be heard as it 'validates' their feelings. Allow your partner to express his/her feelings too. It's better when neither has hidden feelings.. or hidden agendas. Be willing to take responsibility for your part in creating problems but do NOT take all the responsibility.

Finally, after you figure out what is wrong, what you want to change, you need to tell the other person, ‘this is what I need from you now to make things better.’ Until you get brave enough to do that, it just won't get any better. Be prepared to take the consequences. Maybe he really will leave you? If so, maybe you'd be better off. Maybe she will stop loving you. Maybe she didn't love you to begin with? It's tough being brave, but it's awful being a coward. Shaking and shivering in your boots will never make you happy. Step up and step out. You might be surprised at how much it helps. And it's the 'honest' way to live with others.

He needs your prayers...

Peter Jennings has lung cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. His prognosis is not that good. I remember when I was diagnosed with Hodgkins, when I had radiation and chemotherapy. It is one of the most lonely experiences one can have, and the uncertainty of it all is the worst part, the 'not knowing.' Here's some of Jennings' comments to some of his 'fans.'


"Yesterday I decided to go to the office," Jennings wrote. "I live only a few blocks away. I got as far as the bedroom door. Chemo strikes.

"Do I detect a knowing but sympathetic smile on many of your faces? You knew this was coming."

He said Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, who has undergone chemotherapy for Hodgkin's disease, wrote a note saying the only way to get through therapy is to work your way through it.

"He's a tougher man than I am," he said.


Mr. Jennings could use our support and prayers.

The starting point..

When I get a new patient, right away I need to know a couple things, need to know the 'starting point.' First, I need to know, in medical terms, the 'chief complaint,' that is, of all the things that are hurting, what is hurting most? It isn't always the obvious. One of my patients has leukemia, and her days are 'numbered,' so to speak. One would think that would be her chief complaint, but it isn't. Her chief complaint is that her son-in-law bugs the hell out of her. The other thing I need to know is 'why now?' Why come in for therapy now vs. last week, last month, last year? This is called, by psychologists, the 'precipitating event.' That is not as easy to determine as you may think.

For example, I told you recently and briefly how I made a decision to serve the Lord. Someone gave me a 'flyer,' telling me about a revival. I attended, the Lord found me and the rest is history. But what was the precipitating event? Was I just tired of a directionless life, i.e., playing love songs at a bar every night while I drank beer and got drunk, all for a few dollars? Was it the dedication and obedience of the people who took the flyers from door to door on that hot, humid Saturday? After all, what did the son of atheists know about a baptist church revival, and why did he choose to go? Or did God have a plan for Johnny and chose that moment to put it into action, i.e., divine intervention? Why then, vs. the week before, the year before? I'm still not sure of the 'precipitating event' but suspect divine intervention.

Why is it important to know? Because there needs to be a starting point. How do I know if therapy is progressing, if the patient is better or worse, etc. if there is no starting point to which to refer? It wouldn't be too good to look back at my records, if it went to court for example, and not find a starting point reference, would it?

There are starting points in life, one for each event. Something happens and something causes it to happen when it does. If you can figure out your starting points, your 'battle' has begun each time and can be tackled more effectively.

Looking back over your life, have you had some important starting points? What were the precipitating events? Have you ever had what you thought was divine intervention? I can think of several more important starting points in my life time, my decision to adopt Melina for one.

Life is not a 'haphazard process.' There is a plan, and there is a starting point. God's creation was not a haphazard process. Reminds me of saying by a philosopher who didn't believe in God but talked about one of his miracles. Nietchze said, in effect, 'out of chaos comes a dancing star.' Out of the chaotic void, God created life, us. That was the starting point. What was the precipitating event?